Trying for a different life is never without hurdles. Giving up a comfortable existence for one which is, well, different is proving a challenge to me. Will I persevere? Will I keep my eye on the ball? Will I find my way to the place I visualize myself belonging? All these questions trickle through my mind like a leaky faucet.
Not too long ago I was setting in a comfortable house with all that I needed to exist. But, exist was all I was doing. The vegetable gardens and flower beds had lost their appeal. And each time I tried to write or paint my mind wandered. Was it the house or was it me?
All the visitors came and went. Each time I was glad they had gone. I wanted to be alone. Not to do anything in special or even a task awaiting my attention, I simply wanted to be alone. I was quickly becoming a scary version of Marlena Detrick’s “I want to be alone.”
After three days of staying in the same pajama’s and eating cereal something happened. My mind snapped and it decided to get mad. Mad at myself. Mad at Bobby. Mad at Win. Mad at my mother. Mad at my kids. Mad. Staying mad for a couple of weeks may have saved me, actually.
I am not one to over think things. I do tend to be spontaneous to a fault. Over the years I have needed to learn the art of following my research as not to sabotage myself. And, even though I can sometimes jump into things without thinking about the possible downside I try hard not to do that these days. So, trying for a new life required some research and self-reflection to avoid, as much as possible, any bumps and dips I might meet along the way. I keep reminding myself of one thing: If I do not put one foot in front of the other and follow my researched direction this new life I am longing for could get sucked into some sort of cosmic void which would not benefit me in the least.
So, I have come up with a game plan.
The first step is cure my obligations. Be done with them. Including but not limited to being totally debt free which, for me, will be easy enough to carry out. I don’t owe all that much, actually. And, the obligations of a non-monitary kind are of service I am very willing to give, even with great pleasure to give.
The second step is to live where I choose surrounded by the things and people who bring me joy and peace. A life on my terms and no one elses.
The last step is to love my family with my whole heart but at a distance. Visits are welcome even joyful but I must live in my space to have the life I have chosen for myself. Of course, if Mr. Tall & Handsome shows up and wants to stay I’d not object.
The progress being made is not at warp speed but not at a snail’s pace either. I am quickly learning not to jump into things but when everything points to a ‘good direction’ to walk as quickly as possible towards it and not drag my feet. I am learning to put myself first. I am learning to stop asking what someone else needs and start asking myself what I need instead. It’s about time.
Will I arrive at my destination? I have every hope I will. At least I am walking pretty quickly towards it.