Thus Far Into It

Only time will tell:  Success or Failure. I can admit to one thing with all certainty and that is this: I am a willing participant to my own personal lifestyle change experiment.  A monumental undertaking for someone my age, for sure, but I enter into it with confidence in my abilities plus I have absolute faith that I will work my way through the upcoming days and weeks, even months and be the better for it. At the end of my estimated four to six month hiatus from life as I now know it I will either be victorious or will have failed miserably. Either way I will have tried my best to have a different life than that which I now have. To have the words “I was more than satisfactory in life” on my weaning lips as I slip into the great unknown of blissful rest at my death is one of my goals. I shall need to think more clearly of some others. To be debt free doesn’t seem to be enough of a reason to do this thing I am doing. There should be more of a reason than that, for Pete’s Sake!  

Last night Steven asked me a simple question. I did not have an adequate answer to give him and this got me thinking. Precisely what lifestyle am I seeking? What will settle me into retirement and beyond? What is it that I want, actually? I could learn from my inner voice if only I would listen. My mind is so full of my to do list that I have not given as much thought to what down deep is most pleasing to me. Is it gardening? Writing? Quilting? Grandchildren? Travel? Some of these, none of them, or a combination of them? Is is simply to love and be loved in return? Could it be that simple? If so, how would a quilt love me back? Or a plant or article written well?  

Steven seems to know what this is for him. He has settled into a small home he is remodeling to his standards. He has chosen singleton, it seems, which seems to be working well for Steven. Do I want the same? Do I never again want to feel the warmth of skin sliding over my legs while I fall off to sleep? Is the solitude of being alone really worth the price of lack of human kindness and care? I think not, actually. I think for myself I need coupleton and long for it, actually. I long for the gentle touch that only comes from someone you are physically, mentally and spiritually close to. It is more fun to be coupled! It is more nurturing and settling to my spirit. So I know one thing now. I don’t want to be alone. But, what does this mean, exactly? I see my mother enjoying the closeness of her great-grandchildren and not longing for anything more. I’ll need to ponder this for a while. Do I actually want to be coupled or do I want interaction from others who love me and whom I love. Something to ponder, isn’t it?

Now I have to ask myself what are some other things I am trying to accomplish here. Yes, it is true I want to wipe out this debt that looms over my head like a guillotine ready to loop off head from neck at a moments notice. But, it is more than this. I want to be worry free as well. How is this accomplished? Not a clue here! Not a clue. I’ll continue to think on this. Continue.

I do know this. I feel more ‘easy’ here in this tiny home with my friend than I have felt in many moons. I feel zero pressure today. Even writing this comes easier to me. My mind is clearer this morning that yesterday or the day before and this, my friends, is a very welcoming awareness. I welcome it. I’m glad to have come to California. I think I can do amazing things now. I’m sure of it.

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