I have no pictures to look at save those from years ago of a little girl in a white fur coat, a boy smiling at his sister, a boy with a big smile in his baseball uniform. For years I kept the presents in a box I moved from place to place. Christmas presents, birthday cards and presents finally let go of to a home for kids. I didn’t want to know who got them I just took the box and dropped it off and left. I was finished with hoping and mourning the loss of, at the time four, gone from me. I think that is why when Alexis was born I kept her at the drop of a pin. Always would rearrange my schedule to meet the needs of her mother and father, no matter what. I was finally a Nana again. When Alexis (our Lexi) was very tiny I hugged my first grandchild Kyle again, after years of separation, and have continued to do so over the last five years. A blessing I assure you. So, there is hope for the missing three from me. Then next came another little boy Joseph and then quickly another girl Destiny, and then Hannah and then Abby. My heart is overflowing as is my home with grandchildren. I don’t think Nana’s who have not lost grandchildren through no fault of parents and grandparents know how much the ones you have around to hug lessen sorrow you feel for the ones you can not hug. But, lessen it does. You enjoy every step, ever word, every smile more.
To my friend Rebecca (Bec) of none Nana status: Be thankful, for when you do become a Nana you will surely be Nana forever. No question in my mind about this. You still have the chance and it will happen. I am sure of this! And when it does, I promise I will rejoice with you and change a few diapers, as well, you have my word (and when was the last time I did not keep my word? Never? You’d be right). Being a Nana is the bomb! You are going to love it.
For myself (over my lost ones) I have hope. God gives this to me. And, I am going to upset some of you fine folks out there but I don’t believe in God as much as I should. He’s not been too kind to me over the years. It seems every time I have prayed: the answer is more dilemmas, more trouble, more devastation. I’ve even stopped going to my church and I dearly love the my Relief Society sisters and I love my callings I was given and I dearly love the gospel principles I was taught but I have lost my faith even though ever since I was a girl when I first knew I was LDS and would always be LDS the trauma I have been through has brought on so much doubt, in God and in my church. I wonder if I believe in God at all these days. Maybe, all there is is this life, the here and now, and we need to make the best of it here and now. Maybe there is nothing else. No Celestial Kingdom at all. Maybe Steven is right after all. Of course, being that I am 65 this would not be exactly good news for me as I have blown it on so many levels over the last 65 years! The fact that the women in my family live nearly to the age of 100 doesn’t exactly help me out here, if you know what I mean. I can envision myself, in a walker, reaching for the golden ring! And missing it! Ugg, because, I’m in a walker, hello!
As for the lost grandchildren: If there is a God and if God is on my side: Please restore the natural balance to my family. Restore my grandchildren to a family that is waiting and parents that at longing for them. I long to be Nana to nine, God please let me be Nana to nine. Six is great, I love six but nine is ‘complete’ so please complete me. And while you’re at it give me a great grandpa for the nine as well, or even the six, I’ll not fuss on the grandpa thing. But, wouldn’t it be wonderful to grandparent together. How much fun would that be?