So there I was . . .

Another day of challenges for my bunch of misfits: I call them ‘my misfits’ for reasons other than a fact that they are misfits.  They are all quite normal, actually.

This morning I slept in!  This is becoming more and more the norm lately.  A habit that needs to be broken!  I was up a little past eight-thirty and at the computer by nine to write but before I began I checked my e-mail account.  As I was reading the latest e-mail from my daughter Lisa in North Carolina [she wrote: Can’t write much now – at work – but I will pick you up. I love you. ] my cell went into its ‘song & dance’ mode. 

My son Bri was calling to let me know all is well as he exited a courtroom free as a bird.  Let me back up.  No my son is not a thug, not in the least.  He is simply the soon to be ex-husband of a manic young woman who imagines things then calls the cops only to say she was mistaken.  This last time however her nonsense landed Bri in jail for one night on assault charges.  The next morning she bailed him out with his own money.  Said she was sorry “‘bout that” and they went home. 

Today’s hearing must have been interesting.  I understand from my friend who went with Bri for moral support the Soon-To-Be-Ex after admitting she was not assaulted was properly scolded by a not so amused judge who then ordered her to pay court costs and fees in the sum of ninety dollars by next Wednesday or be subject to some jail time herself.  

Here is the catch.  The Ex wants Bri to pay the 90.00 because she does not have it.  My advice?  DON’T PAY IT FOR HER—ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ALREADY!  And, move out and move on!  I think he is finally listening to his inner voice of common sense and to friends and family.  At least I hope so.  I’ve been there before and trust when I say: When it’s done and over stick a fork in it because IT IS DONE AND OVER.  I have come to realize that most couples who stay together (forever) probably don’t like each other all that much in the end.   They simply want the comforts that togetherness and friendly surroundings bring!  Of the ones who seem to still like each other after years together, well they are the lucky ones.  Not all of us are that lucky.  Truth be told, most of us are not.  So when it isn’t happening for you — move on!  There is nothing else you can do.  I have come to realize I am not my parents.  No one out there is willing to love me all that much, actually.  So be it.  I’m difficult to love anyway!

Bri’s call did bring up an old concern of mine though.  That is this overly used charge of abuse we have going on in our society.  It is so easy for the younger women to pick up the phone and get even.  If the charge is made law enforcement’s hands are tied, so to speak, and off the poor man goes to the slammer for the night all to be sorted out in a courtroom at a later date.

On the flip side of that coin, how about real abuse of women, particularly the young women in our society who suffer horrific acts from abnormal men to their physical or emotional or mental or spiritual self.  A person who is truly abused needs support in so many ways to distance themselves from the abuse.  So what does it do to these women when a woman charges abuse when there is none?  I am wondering if the courts that indeed need to slap the total shit out of a man who does actually abuse is becoming indifferent. 

I am sitting here trying to remember all the cases I worked on.  Thinking: Abuse v. Non-abuse: How many of the cases fell into the abuse category?  Of what I remember and my memory is still pretty well intact it was pretty well split down the middle.  It was my job to get to the bottom of things.  I was a total jerk!  I admit it.  I was the bad cop (in a law office) who took it to the mat pushing for the truth.  What I found was that nearly fifty per cent of the cases I saw resulted in women admitting that indeed no abuse happened in the legal sense of the charge of abuse.  Because a guy yells at you and calls you an unthinkable name in the heat of an argument or pushes you off of him while you are holding something in your hand ready to strike, there is no abuse.  The guy is simply a jerk, out of control and not using his words wisely, etc.  Leave him! Find someone who’ll treat you the way you want to be treated.  In both the scenarios above the guy needs to be alone, not in jail, alone without the comforts you can provide.  He needs to mellow out and learn how to behave! 

Anyway, after giving my mind a real whirl at the remembering game my finding seemed staggering to me.  It is, of course, my own finding based on limited cases.  On the cases where abuse was real and charges were warranted I asked the attorney’s to fight hard for those cases and they did, of course they did.  Heck I wanted to do some fist damage myself but that was not allowed. Fortunately for the guy because I do have quite a right hook. 

The bottom line is this: when women bring this charge out of spite, out of getting even, and as like my daughter-in-law did out of pure manic condition when no abuse was present then the women who are truly abused and in need of the systems protection that protection is diminished for them.  This is simply not acceptable.  I think women need the understanding of what abuse is and what it is not.  His yelling at you or pushing you off of him (without causing you physical injury) is unacceptable behavior on his part but not abuse.  You don’t have to take words that leave you deflated in any way!  Distance yourself.  Don’t call it abuse though for it is not.  All this mess about verbal abuse has gotten women who under the standard of abuse who are abused less likely to be taken seriously and they need to be taken seriously!  So, young women out in the world think twice before thinking that calling the cops on a jerk of a man or simply because you want him to man up on something or because you want leverage for an impending divorce is the right thing to do DON’T call, and don’t call it abuse when it’s not.  You may become unlucky in a court of law.

So, today was filled with challenges all around.  I finally was able to book my air flight after eleven tries.  My checking account looks ridiculous with all the 1.00 fees sitting there!  My daughter is willing to pick me up at a farther air port than I wanted to fly in to.  I love it when the airlines system says “an airport close by” when the two airports are an hour away from each other!  I’m going home for the holidays.  I’ll hug my grandchildren and my children.  We will all gather around and tell stories, laugh and play board games.  I’m sure my boys (men now) will have some tall fish tales.  I’m sure Lexi will give the biggest hug. And I’m looking forward to it all.


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