Romance – the fear of

I have to say I loved my bedroom wall colour! I like GREEN PAINT as my Daddy did before me.

You all know this blog is all about me, right? It is designed to purge my mind and share my warm heart when ever I write about my lovely family, trips, interests, ‘the guy I love so deeply my heart is torn to shreds’, etc.  In other words: It is for me!  It is about me!  If you happen to be reading this please adjust. Thanks.  And if you happen to be reading this please understand you are a rare occurrence – I have zero followers, a fact which does not bother me in the least.  My other blog is the one which craves followers to live a good and meaningful life, so if you are reading this check out Best Holiday Recipes Ever! on this site (please do) although I admit it is under a bit of tweaking to give the old best foot forward effort to WOW….but I digress from what I am writing about this morning…..

This morning I was blessed to receive yet another email from the newest admirer.  This new admirer is someone who seems to think I am worthy of his time and efforts and wishes to woo me.  Men do still woo don’t they?  But, alas, I am still under the cloud of relationship detachment anxiety and all the resulting sleepless nights.  This poor man.  Is he wasting his time?  Probably.  But the thing is: I don’t want him to be wasting his time.

Why is it that friends think the perfect cure for a broken heart is another dip into the pool of playful encounters?  “It’s only a dinner, for Pete’s Sake!” – “It will take your mind off it” – “Go, have fun” —  On the other hand, as well-meaning as this advise is when a dinner turns into a walk in the park or a day at the beach then it goes beyond a cure for a broken heart and straight into another (dare I say it) budding relationship.  So am I ready for the dinner to turn into a walk in the park?

Admittedly I am encountering disabling fear even thinking about it! I am not ready for this, honestly I am not but common sense tells me to trudge forward and get on with it.  After all, he is never going to be – well – be, just be.  To add insult to injury already sustained in the worst possible fashion, smiling through it all is taxing.  My cheeks are sore!  If I were a fingernail bitter I’d have none by now.  Taking time to adjust to the possibility of life after him is confusing and frightful.  But, age and experience tells me to be a bit more willing to adjust, still . . . it is frightful.

So . . . this is why I closed down an email this morning as quickly as I had read it.   I did so due to an overwhelming fear.  Not fear that is based in reality.  A fear based on experience!  Men do chase gleefully and as long as you show no to little interest they are fine.  The problem is when you think of settling in and giving it a shot.   Oh, my, do they throw up dust behind their shoes as they rush away!   This seems to be my experience the last few years as I have tried to be special to someone I thought of as special in return.  I’m sure I am doing something but exactly what is a mystery to me.

So this email I received this morning was a serious one asking for some time, one on one time, when the weather permits.  (weather is an issue for us old folks)  He does seem to be a nice man.  Perhaps by summer?  Perhaps.  I’ll see if summer finds him still hanging around my door.  If so then (with just the right dose of ‘I could care less’ attitude) I’ll take him more seriously.  But then I’ll probably scare the hell out of him too with my weird forward thinking mind.

Last night I slept for a straight five hours! Progress.

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