I beg your pardon Madam – you could not possibly think I meant what I said!
Honestly, did you?
Well, hell yes, actually, I did believe what you said! Why wouldn’t I?
And with that
jester gesture – feeling as low and insufficient as humanly possible – tail tucked under my hind-end – what had a promise of being beautiful ended.
I’d left on December 4, 2010 for what was to be a short stay with family for the holidays. To hug the grand-kids. To hug the kids. To return. To return to the lovely place we called home because, well, that is where we lived. Our little place was an easy walk to the downtown hub of shopping and restaurants and a weekend farmers market. A place I’d lived as a child. A place I long to return to still.
Six months later all the tiny pieces are assembling into a cohesive life. I am living (geographically across the country) in Ohio, in a lovely neighborhood south of Troy in Huber Heights. Troy is a town I grew to appreciate a decade ago (I’d lived there a few years in the mid 1990’s through 2003) for its charming hub of downtown shopping and restaurants and appearances by the Cincinnati Pops Orchestra and others; and the annual Strawberry Festival’s bed race! I’m ever so glad to be living near this little town again.
The Strawberry Festival is going on this weekend, as a matter of fact. The bed race is over and I missed it! Bummer!
During the last six months I’ve made a lot of changes. The two most important – my undying need to please and one really bad habit of not monitoring my money well – as well as others that are autonomous in any break-up package.
One thing I had to really work on was self-forgiveness. So, not only did I have to get to the state of forgiving him for his – bold lack of good judgement – I had to forgive myself for not paying attention to who he told me he was in the first place! I had to forgive myself for being so stupid and I had to work through the embarrassment of it all, given my age and experiences I should have known better!
So, in consideration of the non-legal contract I reaped much. I gleaned knowledge that I am the beneficiary of!!! My bank account is growing, by leaps and bounds which is better (and more) for me and I have learned how to put the breaks on, as far as always pleasing someone else at my own peril. Not that I’m an old meany – I still have a kind heart and a listening ear – but, if it damages my bottom line (financially or emotionally or otherwise) I have zero problem o saying NO! And, I can’t begin to tell you how much better this learning curve is making me feel.
So, even when he said how totally sorry he was for my having such a difficult time of it and for his part in causing any pain & suffering, I was able to put it into proper context. He wasn’t really sorry. He just liked the way it sounded. And he liked that it let him off the hook for being responsible for telling a lie and bailing out like a slug would have done it, at least this was true in his mind. I know this because I know him, I know him well! His saying “Sorry” once let him live life not feeling responsible. Men can be so full of the shit-pile sometimes. But, like I wrote before, he told me who he was and I chose not to pay attention. Still, it is not my fault! He is an adult too and he should have known better than to go and ruin a perfectly good and extremely close friendship we’d shared for years!
The bottom line: (and this applies to both sexes)
- Every single person will tell you who they are if you take the time to listen to their words and notice their actions.
- Keep referring to your list of things that are “Can’t live without” and “Can’t live with” — What? You don’t have one? Make one. Make it now!
- The minute he/she does even one of the ‘big” No-No’s check him/her off your list (not that you can’t be friends, you can, but you really need to pass on him/her as a life’s partner.)
- Suze Orman says you should run his/her credit score! I say just look at where he keeps his money (example: crumpled bills in a pocket v. properly arranged in his wallet)
- My Mother always said to look at his shoes! May be good advice, but my my how well “my he” kept his shoes, his house, his vehicles, his finances, his money! So…..may-be not so good advise, after all.
What have I done to assemble the fragmented pieces?
- First, I called bull-shit bull-shit and reminded myself that if a spade is shaped like a spade then it is a spade, it is not a heart, or a diamond – it is a spade and no matter how much you wish it to be a heart or a diamond it will only club you because it is a spade! So, first was the “Reality Check”
- Next was the acceptance
- Then came the forgiveness
- And finally came the self-loving peace of mind and heart.