Reflection has changed a bit

This is not exactly a News Flash for Y’all – But: the truth of the matter is: I was born and at some point I will die.

I have never given so much thought to this dying thing. It is, frankly, becoming rather embarrassing. I fret over having enough life insurance and making sure my final expenses are covered, therefore if an emergency comes my way and I have to dip into my savings it is like dipping into a pond of flesh-eating parasites. I won’t do it without very good cause. And this behavior is from someone with a genetic line of centurions!

Perhaps, my obsession on this subject is because I am living out my final decent into oblivion as a single woman. Although, I don’t focus on being single very much.

What I do focus on is much worse! Which is: my life should matter to at least one other person. And, likewise that their life should matter to me. Feeling the need to matter to another is, perhaps, the main reason we human-beings prefer to grow old with a spouse or significant other. This great need to matter to another person to whom we are involved with in a loving and caring relationship is important because that person validates our existence in a way no one else can.

I am no expert. I do not know if this is true or not. But, I have read it is true.

To my mind, the question to ask is if this desire for validation is a need or is it a want? In other words (thinking out loud here) do I need to be coupled as to validate me or do I want to be coupled as to validate me? It is a question worth asking myself.

I am single. And unless Mr. Right knocks on my door I shall remain so. Are you listening Mr. Right? I’m asking you to please knock. Without that knock turning my single-hood into coupled-hood I think a child or a grandchild will have the honor of my validation upon my death. Isn’t this enough?

Plus, I am a writer; therefore, upon my death won’t my written words validate me? Actually, I am counting on my written words to validate me. Long after the two generations behind me are gone, and no one remembers my name, or cares to remember, my black inked words on white pages shall remain, even if only through an action of gathering dust in the back of a second-hand bookshelf in the basement of someone who thinks the words were once worth reading. Isn’t this validation as well?

I should stop thinking about this. I should think about the next thirty years instead.

So, I’ve gone from birth – to teen – to senior in what seems the blink of an eye. My reflection has changed a bit which is to be expected. The eyes seem different. The hair certainly is different. But, you know what? I actually embrace these changes. Being who I am resides inside the outer shell. I am an acorn! A lovely acorn.

Yes, the reflection has changed a bit over the years but my heart remains the same as it was at, twenty or so, therefore, the to need to love and be loved in return continues to plague me; but, to find joyousness of life; and to live as well as humanly possible between birth and death, now this is what it is actually about, isn’t it? And, I believe I have done this well, or well enough not to have any regrets.

Death is not knocking at my door mind you – but, being that I am more than a decade past 50, I am aware I am experiencing the second half of my earthly journey. Like I wrote above; obsessed here with the need to shore up – tidy up things. And perhaps a little bit obsessed at ‘shoring up’ things alone, being validated at some future point; and dash it! The truth is: I don’t love being single.


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