facts of life of my earthly existence

Facts of life:

  • Even having one leaf on the driveway will drive my mother crazy until it is sweep up so I might as well run out there straight away and sweep.
  • The Ozarks is the most friendly place on the planet — and it’s no use arguing with me about this little observation of life.
  • Growing Herbs benefits mind, body and purse — they are a beautiful and useful part of my life.
  • Eating any Tomato not picked directly off the vine in my own garden is not worth my time.
  • I do not have to be married to be happy — but it would be nice to be married to an equally avid gardener.
  • My children will disappoint — and I’ll get over it and love them in-spite of the disappointment.
  • Planting flowers in-amongst my vegetables in the garden makes me relax when gardening.
  • Creating a quilt, start to finish, actually stresses me out but I love the feel and warmth of the quilt on my legs when I lap quilt it in the Winter months.
  • The research for an outline is much more satisfying than the written paragraphs that follow — and I’m a much better editor than a writer.
  • The best part of being retired from a 9 to 5 is waking up naturally and not to an alarm clock — but —
  • Either way I wake — please pour me a cup of coffee before thou speak of leaves on the driveway!

 

 

 

Being Sick Sucks!

A — Slow — Recovery is what I have. It is not my preferred recovery. I like the ones that you quickly spring back to life and are thankful that twenty-four hours is over. This is different. This will take longer and I know it. And, I don’t like it.  There are lots of reason not to, actually. The garden for one:  “Don’t worry about the garden, we’ll take care of the garden” — It is overgrown with weeds! Thanks kids. The house looks like I’m living at Auntie Mae’s which, trust me on this, is not a good thing. And the microwave and refrigerator insides needs a cleaning, which makes me wonder why, if you would not cook in a dirty pan, why would you heat something in a dirty microwave or store it in a dirty refrigerator. This makes zero sense to me.

Now, what has gotten me on this rant? The trash, that’s what. For the third straight week it was not taken to the curb. It is now beginning to be stinky. I’m loosing my patience with adult children, even an adult grandchild, and I am ready to get better so that at my age I can manage to keep things tidy, clean and in order.

You would think that by example somethings would be learned by your children and not need any — daily and weekly — reminders of things that need doing.  end of rant.

 

I MISS YOU FRED – 5 Reasons why it is better to miss someone than to stay with them

We all love to be loved. That slight slip of the hand at the dip of your back (you know the dip; it’s the one right above the fanny you wish smaller) that lingers there for a moment — no one else touches you there; no one else dare. Sometimes we stay in the wrong relationship because we know we will miss these moments. But I have 5 reasons not to stay — you be the judge of the 5 arguments presented here and how true they are for you, but — please be as honest with yourself as possible before you decide that staying is the best thing for you to do.

5 Reasons Why it is Better to Miss Someone than to Stay with Them.

Reason number one:

Attendance (not attentiveness) is important in any relationship. Don’t confuse the two by thinking his being attentive when together translates into anything other than he is being attentive to you at the moment because he could be being attentive with another woman at another moment. Until he is in attendance with you, and only you, the majority of his time you two are dating, and dating is a nice thing to do; just don’t go thinking rings at this point for he’s a long way away from that choice. However, if you are there and he is not perhaps it is better to miss him than to stay with him.

Reason number two:

Dismissiveness is so important it should be at the top of any woman’s wish list. If ever you feel that your needs and your wants are being dismissed by him it is time to distance yourself. He’s not being mean. He’s being honest, of sorts, with you about how he feels about you. He’s not all that into you, sugar, so miss him if you must but don’t stay. Of course, I’m talking about a relationship, or dating, that has gone on for some time; months (not weeks) and he still doesn’t notice, for example, that you are ill and need chicken soup instead of the “where’s the dinner” nonsense.

Reason number three:

Inability to commit is perhaps one of the big stumping blocks of any relationship moving to the next level. I once was in a relationship with a man which worked very well. We were best friends and completely compatible (eerily, like two peas in a pod) but he wasn’t able to take the next step. Ever! And, I miss him to this day but if I’d stayed I’d still be waiting for him to take that step and it is likely he never would have. Some men simply can’t see you as their future. I don’t know why. Frankly, it doesn’t matter why. It just is. Move on and out the door.

Reason number four:

Already taken is appealing to some women, mostly because of a commitment phobia they have – but, you can’t move forward with a married man. Years ago, I had a girlfriend who only dated married men and it always ended badly for her. It took several months of therapy for her to learn how to control her relationship phobia. Although she struggled to overcome her attraction to married men, after the therapy, she was successful in finding an unmarried man she felt was her perfect partner in life, a wonderful man that she adores and they have been married now for nearly twenty years. Being in a relationship with a man who is already taken, usually — as in rarely — results in a marriage for you but if it does the odds are stacked against his remaining faithful to you. Reverse this situation: at home, darling, there is a woman who believes and trusts a husband to honor their marriage vows. This alone is a compelling reason to miss him than to stay with him.

Reason number five:

Abuse (verbal and/or non verbal) is a challenging bit to deal with. You want to stay and fix his relationship manners and you think you can. But, I’m telling you that you can not. He is the only one who can fix his relationship manners. This is perhaps the leading cause of discourse among teens to thirty-somethings in a relationship. Usually, somewhere in a woman’s thirties she gets a life! After which women don’t accept abuse of any kind, but, if this remains the case with you — my email is on file! Use it!

Saving the World and other things women do

I am listening to my daughter as she saves her friend.  The worldly issues of divorce, child custody and some self-esteem issues are being addressed.   My daughter is highhandedly solving each, one by one  —  I’m listening to this mainly because she talks so loud I can not help but to listen, even if I were outside  ––  as she talks into the receiver end of a telephone.

The conversation is lengthy and my daughter becomes rather preachy but she is also an extremely competent adversary to the friends current position with regards to the situations at hand.  My daughter seems to be effectively using her been there, done that so please listen to me approach and gives suggestions for a better, less adverse, course of action.  I wonder if her friend is really being receptive  or meekly suffering through the advise.   They have had these conversations before.   Perhaps this time my daughters words will take root and grow a flower, a beautiful flower.

 At last I hear words “Education Is The Key” … but being privy to only one side of the conversation I am not sure if that means formal education or wiseing up as not to repeat the seven deadly sins  — lust-gluttony-greed-sloth-wrath-envy-pride — although I do not know which of these seven were abused, if any. 

I think conversations – women to women – are like empowerment sessions in which one who can gives to one who needs with love and understanding the support and acceptance to work through a rough time of it.   My daughter is good at this.

So good, in fact, that I think her experience and sound judgements would benefit women’s issues groups like WSWnow (http://wswnow.com) or Women for Women International (http://www.womenforwomen.org). 

After the conversation is over my daughter sighs.  The only response I am privy to.  I know the friend she was speaking to.  I know she is worried for her.  I want to say something.  I don’t.  I realize I am not super-woman and I can not save anyone from themselves. 

The Upside to the last Six Months (assembling the pieces after a life-altering break-up)

I beg your pardon Madam – you could not possibly think I meant what I said! 

Audible sigh.

Honestly, did you? 

Well, hell yes, actually, I did believe what you said!  Why wouldn’t I? 

Silence. 

And with that jester gesture – feeling as low and insufficient as humanly possible – tail tucked under my hind-end – what had a promise of being beautiful ended.

I’d left on December 4, 2010 for what was to be a short stay with family for the holidays.  To hug the grand-kids.   To hug the kids.  To return.  To return to the lovely place we called home because, well, that is where we lived.  Our little place was an easy walk to the downtown hub of shopping and restaurants and a weekend farmers market.  A place I’d lived as a child.  A place I long to return to still. 

Six months later all the tiny pieces are assembling into a cohesive life.  I am living (geographically across the country) in Ohio, in a lovely neighborhood south of  Troy in Huber Heights.  Troy is a town I grew to appreciate a decade ago (I’d lived there a few years in the mid 1990’s through 2003) for its charming hub of downtown shopping and restaurants and appearances by the Cincinnati Pops Orchestra and others; and the annual Strawberry Festival’s bed race!  I’m ever so glad to be living near this little town again. 

The Strawberry Festival is going on this weekend, as a matter of fact.  The bed race is over and I missed it!  Bummer! 

During the last six months I’ve made a lot of changes.  The two most important  – my undying need to please and one really bad habit of not monitoring my money well – as well as others that are autonomous in any break-up package. 

One thing I had to really work on was self-forgiveness.  So, not only did I have to get to the state of forgiving him for his – bold lack of good judgement – I had to forgive myself for not paying attention to who he told me he was in the first place!  I had to forgive myself for being so stupid and I had to work through the embarrassment of it all, given my age and experiences I should have known better!

So, in consideration of the non-legal contract I reaped much.  I gleaned knowledge that I am the beneficiary of!!!  My bank account is growing, by leaps and bounds which is better (and more) for me and I have learned how to put the breaks on, as far as always pleasing someone else at my own peril.  Not that I’m an old meany – I still have a kind heart and a listening ear – but, if it damages my bottom line (financially or emotionally or otherwise) I have zero problem o saying NO! And, I can’t begin to tell you how much better this learning curve is making me feel. 

Amazing.

So, even when he said how totally sorry he was for my having such a difficult time of it and for his part in causing any pain & suffering, I was able to put it into proper context.  He wasn’t really sorry.  He just liked the way it sounded.  And he liked that it let him off the hook for being responsible for telling a lie and bailing out like a slug would have done it, at least this was true in his mind.  I know this because I know him, I know him well!  His saying “Sorry” once let him live life not feeling responsible.  Men can be so full of the shit-pile sometimes.  But, like I wrote before, he told me who he was and I chose not to pay attention.  Still, it is not my fault!  He is an adult too and he should have known better than to go and ruin a perfectly good and extremely close friendship we’d shared for years!  

The bottom line:  (and this applies to both sexes)

  • Every single person will tell you who they are if you take the time to listen to their words and notice their actions.
  • Keep referring to your list of things that are “Can’t live without” and “Can’t live with” — What? You don’t have one?  Make one.  Make it now!
  • The minute he/she does even one of the ‘big” No-No’s check him/her off your list (not that you can’t be friends, you can, but you really need to pass on him/her as a life’s partner.)
  • Suze Orman says you should run his/her credit score!  I say just look at where he keeps his money (example: crumpled bills in a pocket v. properly arranged in his wallet)
  • My Mother always said to look at his shoes! May be good advice, but my my how well “my he” kept his shoes, his house, his vehicles, his finances, his money!  So…..may-be not so good advise, after all.

What have I done to assemble the fragmented pieces?

  • First, I called bull-shit bull-shit and reminded myself that if a spade is shaped like a spade then it is a spade, it is not a heart, or a diamond – it is a spade and no matter how much you wish it to be a heart or a diamond it will only club you because it is a spade!  So, first was the “Reality Check”
  • Next was the acceptance
  • Then came the forgiveness
  • And finally came the self-loving peace of mind and heart.

 

Women for Women International

Iraqi-American writer and activist Zainab Salb...

Image via Wikipedia

Women for Women International announced the 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day – 8th March 2011 – with another global campaign for women to gather together on a bridge to take part in and to give voice to the suffering of women in war-torn countries.

Last year (2010) Women International’s first ever global bridge campaign took place with over 20,000 women across four continents taking part in 108 different bridge events.  This was quite a feat considering it was their first global event.
The organization is hoping the event for this year (2011) will be bigger and better.  I hope this as well.
I first learned of Women for Women International quite by accident.  Today I am quite involved.  I warn you however, if you Google the organization and/or the event you will find some disturbing but true facts about the human condition in war-torn countries.  And this is why I feel this event carries such great importance.
Actually, I think this organization is a study in what is well and right in the field of rights for women around the globe.  I urge you to Google “Women for Women International” as well as “Join me on the Bridge” campaign.  (note: make sure you Google “join me on the bridge” exactly because you will find other community (but very good) events not affiliated with Women for Women International)


OMG Ms. A (whatever!)

Introspection: (noun) searching, introversion, contemplation  — informal definition: navel-gazing! . . . . . basically introspection is the examination of one’s own thoughts or feelings. Most women navel-gaze.  I do. Most women inspect and dissect their private and professional lives and do so to adjust their personal and professional short-term and long-term goals.  Introspection is necessary for those of us who dare to plan a fruitful life now as well as down the road.

Here is how I do my navel-gazing:

First: The question.  Usually my navel-gazing is preceded by a nagging question I want an answer to.  So as odd as it sounds I verbally ask my question . . . then,

I grab up a soft cushion and toss it on the floor.  No music!  No interruptions!  I plop my tushie down on the cushion and get comfortable.  I quiet my mind and take deep controlled breaths and totally relax which takes me a few minutes because my mind is always thinking! (Remember: Slow deliberate breathing.  Slowly breathe in and release even more slowly.  Control.  Empty your mind.  Be Still; Be Quiet.)  Then I let the thoughts that come to me answer the question I asked before I got started.  Honestly this works for me.  I can not tell you the times I guided myself through life’s swift currents and slippery stones that seemed to be preventing me from reaching a goal or moving forward after troubling times.

Introspection:  One of my life’s little treasures.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have some navel-gazing time scheduled.